20

The world does change around me. At times it feels like a spinning top and it goes faster but eventually slows down. Some days are so out of control that a person like me who watches things around me go on it feels almost as if it just is going to…stop…

Building rise and buildings fall. People come and people go.. I know that what I have done was out of pure emotion and I often think back on what has happened. I question if much of it had a point? Perhaps it did at the time and I JUST can’t remember it now. My memory is really fuzzy about many things like that.  Just have to keep walking one step at a time.. hmm… so funny.

Advertisements

19

One of the major “No nos” about the summer is the sun. Everyone gets to go to swim, and amusement parks. Barbecues and all that fun stuff you do during the summer time. It’s easy to forget that you are a NIGHT person and well.. the sun isn’t going to forget.

I learned in the past week that not only do I get sun rashes now but that my skin peels from the drama of summer time fun. Don’t get me wrong I love every second of being active but it has been years since I had done anything outside. I forgot… the sun..did not.

Now lets not place this into the same boat as BURSTING INTO FLAMES.. or ash..or god forbid sparkling.. NO NO NO NO NO… this is far more real and nasty. Rashes suck..but you can learn to deal with it.

COVER YOURSELF!! but don’t like..over do it and over heat yourself. It becomes complicated living this life like this.. but it’s not impossible.

18

I know it’s been a few moments since I last wrote here. Reason I haven’t is because life has taken some turns for the better and I didn’t notice that it was moving so fast. It reminds me that often things can surprise me “in a good way”.  Which makes me think about how it happens?

I know what I have come to expect of the world isn’t much but from time to time it does give me back something of value. Something of a goal or even a life changing event. Thing such as that are to be held close and put under the microscope. It’s important to treasure moments or even small brief periods of time like that. I am sure on this road it can be invigorating to make it all happen.

So I take this moment now to relax. Stay in a comfortable mind set for the moment and see what comes next? We don’t have control over stuff like this after all but we do always have control over our mind. The place it is taking me right now is good and I will enjoy it while I can.

17

If I didn’t believe that a single persons thought could change the world I wouldn’t be writing anything. Sounds like something someone would say with a huge ego. However it does hold some truth to it. I almost never talk about politics but today I am feeling for lack of a better word Spicy…

I believe in the idea of a Republican. Keyword… IDEA.. I love the concept of a person being born with nothing. Working hard, educating hard and building up to something only to spread that knowledge, Wealth, and ability to others. It’s a very American concept to come to some place with nothing and work hard/fight for something better. It’s what this land was founded on after all. So the concept of a Republican I know is a good one.

However it’s biggest flaw comes in the idea part. Ideas come from people and people are flawed without question. See in a structural concept the knowledge and money would trickle down to those in need. However people tend to take that idea so with it get selfish, emotional,  and lose touch with what it was supposed to be like.

Take a rich person today. Almost none of em want to be taxed, or told what to do with the money. It’s fair to say because clearly they worked hard for it. Some understand the concept but others will say I give back in my own way. Yet those same people feel the survival need of MINE MINE MINE..

Take care of YOUR family, Friends and those around YOU. Not everyone is entitled to the work you have done. It’s a stupid state of mind to be in and in all my time I don’t see it changing any time soon. Hell if the last 2 years has proven anything it’s that our lack of education and understanding has gone down the drain hard.

I just hope that in the future we understand what is best for all of us will be best for the individual as well..

16

In life we have places that we can go to that hold true magic. For me Toys R Us has always done just that. I feel peace, joy, and my mind goes completely blank for the few moments I am in that spot. It doesn’t matter which Toys R Us I am at. The moment I see those rainbow glowing letters I feel it. Once I enter I feel a true sense of ease and perhaps young again. Almost like time traveling I feel great and everything that pissed me off or got to me in the days before are gone.

I think perhaps it’s like a drug.. but without any of the negative effects. Hard to say considering I have never done a drug in my life. However I would hope that if it feels half as good as that it make it worth it. Having a place like that in my life makes me a very lucky person. Most aren’t that lucky.

15

Here is what really REALLY makes me angry. People think that everyone has the same opportunity. “Why don’t you get a better job?” Comes from the mouths of so many people and I often ask the question what do you actually know about me? Do you know my family, responsibilities, education level and health record?

Judgement comes from people who have never been judged and if so never looked at a mirror. If you had people who taught you wrong from wronger you probably are on a good foot. If you had friends who took the time to listen chances are you had a benefit. Learned to drive from someone who knew and had the money to do it.

People are strange and I find it often pisses me off that people speak without thinking.

14

I never liked the saying “I battle with depression”. You don’t battle emotions because a battle by the statement makes it sound like it’s something you can fight and win. Emotions regardless of how good or bad are feelings that people go in and out of. Feeling one way and shortly after NOT feeling that way is simply the state a person is in.

You can’t win at something you simply must let it pass. Anyone who works at night can tell you that at some point you will feel depressed. Isolation, darkness and silence caves in on the mind at some point even if it’s for a short period of time. It’s why we party at night and cover the air in lights when we do it. Light helps keep the mood BRIGHT and cheery if not give it the effect of something like that.

I never questioned my depression much even as a young person. It always came in waves and it went out the same way. Like everything I put far to much thought into it but I allowed myself to dwell on it same as if I was Happy or excited for something. The problem with a negative emotion is really in the statement.. it’s negative so naturally no one likes to feel it.

Yet it does create a balance and it allows some prospective of what is going on in the day. We push past the difficult parts because that is a thing we all must do. We hope the good parts last longer which never happens. Yet we continue to make it happen.

13

As an adult I notice I give a great deal of what I can to others. I never expect anything back from it but often I find myself with that overwhelming feeling of “I do more for you”. This isn’t with everyone I know but it with MOST people I know. I don’t know if it’s just my nature or if perhaps it’s something I have grown to do but I notice that it’s something that is in my personality.

For example I say “Lets go get pancakes!” You come along and I might do something crazy like pay for it all. The next time I repeat the good idea I come to find that 85% of the time I am with people it isn’t reciprocated. I don’t expect it to be but I do find that the percentage is a bit high for my liking. I can’t think of one specific person this is for so I can really group about 85% of the people I know.

Sometimes it is depressing because I do it often. Sometimes I feel the thought come to mind that fate has made this an important part of my life. Something I KNOWN for doing because of my good heart or just plan stupidity. I am known to give and be general with those I care about. I also think it is how I am able to write people off so quickly if should one of those people fuck me over.

No More Breakfast for you miss or Mr!

Being young and now old I come to find if I don’t put every effort forward it simply doesn’t come to terms as fair or polite at times. My parents have told me that I should be more selfish with myself. Personally I sit in this room full of proof that I can be selfish that I think I am doing well with that. Yet often I wonder if that is true.

Should I BE more selfish? Should I spend the extra dollar on myself instead of others? I often do question that…

12

I like what I like and that has always been true.  I was the person who walked around wearing black Gothic crap and talked about Pokemon.  Everyone thought I was into death but fact is I was more into Ice Cream and Cotton Candy. The exact opposite of what you would think I would be.

Which is funny cause that is exactly how I have always portrayed myself. Always trying to keep people guessing I suppose. That brings me to today’s notes… How do I wear this mask? Some people say acting is difficult and for the most part I think it’s just the way I have always lived my life.

I am good at wearing this mask because it’s become a part of the person I am. Some might even say it’s a layered personality but truth is I don’t know how anyone could stand being around me if I didn’t wear the mask. Lets review what I have written so far.. and consider the fact that this is the only place I ever take it off. Hell I won’t even let people know about this writing because it reveals to much about myself!

However at the core of what I have been doing and how I have been doing it I think in the grand scheme of things I have come up with a couple of conclusions.

First I am generally happy and happy because I get what I want and do what I want. Second I never have and never will see the point in lying about anything because it presents to much drama and I don’t see the point in any of that bullshit.  Some live for that kinda thing but it was never my own taste.

Third and probably most importantly I have always taken the lead with everything I have ever done. Hell it shows in the work I present, how I present myself, and without question in my personality. How many people live this life style and do it with the purpose of truth anyway.

Yes I have heard many people say and I quote “I hate people” yet have a ton more friends than I can even count. Which is funny cause I can count pretty fucking high. Regardless.. I am doing all of this for myself and that has never been the question.

Getting back on topic.. We choose what we do every single day. So if you wake up with a hang over and you look in a mirror guess who you blame? YOU. If you yell at your children the night before and you don’t remember doing it.. guess who’s to blame? again…You..

Just saying.. don’t blame anyone for the situation you are in other than yourself. Even if you think you didn’t have control over some aspect of it.. it’s still.. THE SITUATION YOU .. ARE…IN…

11

Doing things during the day always reminds me about big the world actually is. Living in a small town close to the city is a constant reminder of how different things can be from place to place. I grew up lucky because I was raised in a city that was diverse and constantly changing. However the funny part to that is you don’t notice the change until you leave and return.

Sometimes it can be a good change but most of the time it isn’t. Most of the time “recently” it’s people trying to fix something that doesn’t need fixing. The world grows like that and at night you don’t notice it much because of all the darkness. You learn very quickly to accept the light for all it’s electric and energy.

Being a night person you find yourself isolated often and it sometimes halos out the idea of what life should be or CAN be for that matter. I hate saying it should be anything in all honesty. It is going to be one way no matter what and thinking in should be is never a good path to go down.

IT CAN be different and sometimes easy to deal with problems but really at the end of the day I come to piece with everything because I know that while I am doing…what I do. People are getting  ready to deal with everything.