Doing things during the day always reminds me about big the world actually is. Living in a small town close to the city is a constant reminder of how different things can be from place to place. I grew up lucky because I was raised in a city that was diverse and constantly changing. However the funny part to that is you don’t notice the change until you leave and return.
Sometimes it can be a good change but most of the time it isn’t. Most of the time “recently” it’s people trying to fix something that doesn’t need fixing. The world grows like that and at night you don’t notice it much because of all the darkness. You learn very quickly to accept the light for all it’s electric and energy.
Being a night person you find yourself isolated often and it sometimes halos out the idea of what life should be or CAN be for that matter. I hate saying it should be anything in all honesty. It is going to be one way no matter what and thinking in should be is never a good path to go down.
IT CAN be different and sometimes easy to deal with problems but really at the end of the day I come to piece with everything because I know that while I am doing…what I do. People are getting ready to deal with everything.
Days are Getting longer which means nights are getting shorter. For someone like me this creates issues. People do stupid shit when it’s hot and rarely dark more often.
Habbits become relaxed and all that resting you did during the winter pays off. You workout harder because the summer is coming and you need to look good for no one. I personally find it funny how we work so hard to destroy ourselves.
For what becomes the question? Work,feed sleep repeat. Sound morbid but it’s not. Truth is it’s simple in format. You don’t have to do anything but the simplest things.
Think of what people do to enjoy themselves to start with. Bars, party, social hour an it’s all constructive to what we call relaxing. I work to enjoy what I can and not just survive. I could die tomorrow and I would be happy with what I have. How many can say that?
I never really had an idea on what I wanted to do with my life. The thought that I would one day finish High School never really came to me. I think I have always lived day by day as it came along. Some of my friends knew they wanted to go to college. Some knew they wanted to join the military and I think maybe some had ideas on work but I never thought about it.
It’s funny to me now because while in School all the teachers try to prepare you for what is coming but no one ever asks you “What do you want to do?”. I have always been an over thinker and some part of me knew I was good at creating but I never thought it to be a pursued concept.
High School took seven years to finish. I finished almost exactly on the day I turned 21 years old. I was given honor awards and even a gift from the school for being an inspiring person. My entire life I knew I was a leader and a person that people would listen to because of how I thought about everything. I always would start something and gather others to follow it but quickly leave it once it became bigger than what I wanted it to be.
So about two months after I finished school I started the job I am currently at. It lasted two years before I left it for give or take 2 years. The economy went to crap and I was forced to come back to it. I say forced because I didn’t really want to come back to the job not because it was bad but because I thought I could find something better that I would enjoy.
Enjoying work was something people like me hear all the time. Find something you love and make money off it? I don’t know if that is always the path people should take. I think it should go find work and learn to love it. That seems like more of an adult statement and perhaps it goes without saying that filling in the blanks isn’t easy or even acceptable to some people but that is pretty much what I have done.
Now I am almost 10 years into this work “on and off clearly”. I have learned every bit of every responsibility with the work I do. Hell on days that I have off I see the difference between the work I do and the work I don’t do. Perhaps it’s because I am the second “Not counting my boss” person who has been doing it for long. Experience I guess is everything.
I think over all the main thing that has kept me with it is that I never once have ever said I couldn’t have anything I wanted. It took time to get an apartment, find a girl a I love, and make enough money to pursue whatever. Yet in the end it was always a question of what will make myself happy?
Now don’t read that the wrong way in no manor or form do I have an Ego. Yet I can say that things have always gone the way I wanted them to go. Hell it’s how I sleep so well during the day. If I didn’t get what I wanted it would be a battle to sleep. Perhaps that is what this is all about. Picking and choosing the battles to win?
Depression is a topic that will probably come up often on here. I have been dealing with it for a very long time and mostly I see it as an opposite to anyone’s natural highs. As a person who understands how it works I have learned over the years how to fight against it in natural ways. Of course people have suggested that I see a doctor and get some medication for it but I am also one of the types of people who can’t STAND DRUGS.
I believe I have already said it takes a great deal for me to even consider the idea of taking a god damned Aspirin. Most of my childhood I was on this or that for breathing problems I was born with. So having to take anything to get High or expand my mind has never been a appealing idea. I know all to well the concept of whatever gets you high also gets you low just as quickly and for a person like me my lows can be pretty deep.
I haven’t had a deep deep low since I was maybe 18 years old. The deepest low I had also resulted in my lose of virginity on the same day so considering how that turned out I think I am doing pretty well for myself. We all get depressed and while that is a stupid thing to say I have noticed that it almost always comes with the same statement “we all just deal with it differently”.
One of the main reasons I started working out was because of depression. I noticed that when my routine is perfect I almost never feel it at all. However the bad end “as stated before” is that if my routine is poor I feel it a great deal. Of course this also comes with the focuses that are also part of life. Work, relationships, and just daily living of course take a factor to it as well but I believe that with the proper training and motivation anyone can get past it.
Trust I have been down some serious deep ends and for a person who a majority of the time spends the time alone it can be pretty bad. I have hurt myself in the past but again not since I was 18. I have thought of death as an answer but again not since I was 18. I have learned how to break down walls in my mind and even trap off some thoughts by surrounding myself in positive concepts.
What exactly are positive concepts? Well you know that person with all the pictures of his family on the walls? I am sorta that person.. only I use little things like toys and comic books as ways of fighting of the reminders of sadness. Not saying I have any issues with my family just I can’t have pictures on my walls because of past issues with whatever due to this apartment. I should probably have some pictures of my family around here. I just never have had time to print anything… Perhaps that’s a project set for another day?
It’s been about two months since my last post. Several things have stopped me from writing. Family issues, sickness, some social issues and several just more important things have come up. It always seems to happen at once I notice. Sorta like a flood or something similar to that.
It’s never anything I can control. Started out with a cold.. I managed to get over that and shortly after it was my workout routine (which was good), than my brother visited (also good). I got promoted at work and shortly after that we had a horrible snow storm. After that I got sick again only this time it wasn’t so much illness as much as it was an annoying sty which I am currently dealing with.
I haven’t been working out as much as I SHOULD BE.. cause both laziness and lack of focus. I say laziness.. as maybe an excuse..