I never liked the saying “I battle with depression”. You don’t battle emotions because a battle by the statement makes it sound like it’s something you can fight and win. Emotions regardless of how good or bad are feelings that people go in and out of. Feeling one way and shortly after NOT feeling that way is simply the state a person is in.
You can’t win at something you simply must let it pass. Anyone who works at night can tell you that at some point you will feel depressed. Isolation, darkness and silence caves in on the mind at some point even if it’s for a short period of time. It’s why we party at night and cover the air in lights when we do it. Light helps keep the mood BRIGHT and cheery if not give it the effect of something like that.
I never questioned my depression much even as a young person. It always came in waves and it went out the same way. Like everything I put far to much thought into it but I allowed myself to dwell on it same as if I was Happy or excited for something. The problem with a negative emotion is really in the statement.. it’s negative so naturally no one likes to feel it.
Yet it does create a balance and it allows some prospective of what is going on in the day. We push past the difficult parts because that is a thing we all must do. We hope the good parts last longer which never happens. Yet we continue to make it happen.
As an adult I notice I give a great deal of what I can to others. I never expect anything back from it but often I find myself with that overwhelming feeling of “I do more for you”. This isn’t with everyone I know but it with MOST people I know. I don’t know if it’s just my nature or if perhaps it’s something I have grown to do but I notice that it’s something that is in my personality.
For example I say “Lets go get pancakes!” You come along and I might do something crazy like pay for it all. The next time I repeat the good idea I come to find that 85% of the time I am with people it isn’t reciprocated. I don’t expect it to be but I do find that the percentage is a bit high for my liking. I can’t think of one specific person this is for so I can really group about 85% of the people I know.
Sometimes it is depressing because I do it often. Sometimes I feel the thought come to mind that fate has made this an important part of my life. Something I KNOWN for doing because of my good heart or just plan stupidity. I am known to give and be general with those I care about. I also think it is how I am able to write people off so quickly if should one of those people fuck me over.
No More Breakfast for you miss or Mr!
Being young and now old I come to find if I don’t put every effort forward it simply doesn’t come to terms as fair or polite at times. My parents have told me that I should be more selfish with myself. Personally I sit in this room full of proof that I can be selfish that I think I am doing well with that. Yet often I wonder if that is true.
Should I BE more selfish? Should I spend the extra dollar on myself instead of others? I often do question that…
I like what I like and that has always been true. I was the person who walked around wearing black Gothic crap and talked about Pokemon. Everyone thought I was into death but fact is I was more into Ice Cream and Cotton Candy. The exact opposite of what you would think I would be.
Which is funny cause that is exactly how I have always portrayed myself. Always trying to keep people guessing I suppose. That brings me to today’s notes… How do I wear this mask? Some people say acting is difficult and for the most part I think it’s just the way I have always lived my life.
I am good at wearing this mask because it’s become a part of the person I am. Some might even say it’s a layered personality but truth is I don’t know how anyone could stand being around me if I didn’t wear the mask. Lets review what I have written so far.. and consider the fact that this is the only place I ever take it off. Hell I won’t even let people know about this writing because it reveals to much about myself!
However at the core of what I have been doing and how I have been doing it I think in the grand scheme of things I have come up with a couple of conclusions.
First I am generally happy and happy because I get what I want and do what I want. Second I never have and never will see the point in lying about anything because it presents to much drama and I don’t see the point in any of that bullshit. Some live for that kinda thing but it was never my own taste.
Third and probably most importantly I have always taken the lead with everything I have ever done. Hell it shows in the work I present, how I present myself, and without question in my personality. How many people live this life style and do it with the purpose of truth anyway.
Yes I have heard many people say and I quote “I hate people” yet have a ton more friends than I can even count. Which is funny cause I can count pretty fucking high. Regardless.. I am doing all of this for myself and that has never been the question.
Getting back on topic.. We choose what we do every single day. So if you wake up with a hang over and you look in a mirror guess who you blame? YOU. If you yell at your children the night before and you don’t remember doing it.. guess who’s to blame? again…You..
Just saying.. don’t blame anyone for the situation you are in other than yourself. Even if you think you didn’t have control over some aspect of it.. it’s still.. THE SITUATION YOU .. ARE…IN…
Doing things during the day always reminds me about big the world actually is. Living in a small town close to the city is a constant reminder of how different things can be from place to place. I grew up lucky because I was raised in a city that was diverse and constantly changing. However the funny part to that is you don’t notice the change until you leave and return.
Sometimes it can be a good change but most of the time it isn’t. Most of the time “recently” it’s people trying to fix something that doesn’t need fixing. The world grows like that and at night you don’t notice it much because of all the darkness. You learn very quickly to accept the light for all it’s electric and energy.
Being a night person you find yourself isolated often and it sometimes halos out the idea of what life should be or CAN be for that matter. I hate saying it should be anything in all honesty. It is going to be one way no matter what and thinking in should be is never a good path to go down.
IT CAN be different and sometimes easy to deal with problems but really at the end of the day I come to piece with everything because I know that while I am doing…what I do. People are getting ready to deal with everything.
Days are Getting longer which means nights are getting shorter. For someone like me this creates issues. People do stupid shit when it’s hot and rarely dark more often.
Habbits become relaxed and all that resting you did during the winter pays off. You workout harder because the summer is coming and you need to look good for no one. I personally find it funny how we work so hard to destroy ourselves.
For what becomes the question? Work,feed sleep repeat. Sound morbid but it’s not. Truth is it’s simple in format. You don’t have to do anything but the simplest things.
Think of what people do to enjoy themselves to start with. Bars, party, social hour an it’s all constructive to what we call relaxing. I work to enjoy what I can and not just survive. I could die tomorrow and I would be happy with what I have. How many can say that?
I never really had an idea on what I wanted to do with my life. The thought that I would one day finish High School never really came to me. I think I have always lived day by day as it came along. Some of my friends knew they wanted to go to college. Some knew they wanted to join the military and I think maybe some had ideas on work but I never thought about it.
It’s funny to me now because while in School all the teachers try to prepare you for what is coming but no one ever asks you “What do you want to do?”. I have always been an over thinker and some part of me knew I was good at creating but I never thought it to be a pursued concept.
High School took seven years to finish. I finished almost exactly on the day I turned 21 years old. I was given honor awards and even a gift from the school for being an inspiring person. My entire life I knew I was a leader and a person that people would listen to because of how I thought about everything. I always would start something and gather others to follow it but quickly leave it once it became bigger than what I wanted it to be.
So about two months after I finished school I started the job I am currently at. It lasted two years before I left it for give or take 2 years. The economy went to crap and I was forced to come back to it. I say forced because I didn’t really want to come back to the job not because it was bad but because I thought I could find something better that I would enjoy.
Enjoying work was something people like me hear all the time. Find something you love and make money off it? I don’t know if that is always the path people should take. I think it should go find work and learn to love it. That seems like more of an adult statement and perhaps it goes without saying that filling in the blanks isn’t easy or even acceptable to some people but that is pretty much what I have done.
Now I am almost 10 years into this work “on and off clearly”. I have learned every bit of every responsibility with the work I do. Hell on days that I have off I see the difference between the work I do and the work I don’t do. Perhaps it’s because I am the second “Not counting my boss” person who has been doing it for long. Experience I guess is everything.
I think over all the main thing that has kept me with it is that I never once have ever said I couldn’t have anything I wanted. It took time to get an apartment, find a girl a I love, and make enough money to pursue whatever. Yet in the end it was always a question of what will make myself happy?
Now don’t read that the wrong way in no manor or form do I have an Ego. Yet I can say that things have always gone the way I wanted them to go. Hell it’s how I sleep so well during the day. If I didn’t get what I wanted it would be a battle to sleep. Perhaps that is what this is all about. Picking and choosing the battles to win?
Depression is a topic that will probably come up often on here. I have been dealing with it for a very long time and mostly I see it as an opposite to anyone’s natural highs. As a person who understands how it works I have learned over the years how to fight against it in natural ways. Of course people have suggested that I see a doctor and get some medication for it but I am also one of the types of people who can’t STAND DRUGS.
I believe I have already said it takes a great deal for me to even consider the idea of taking a god damned Aspirin. Most of my childhood I was on this or that for breathing problems I was born with. So having to take anything to get High or expand my mind has never been a appealing idea. I know all to well the concept of whatever gets you high also gets you low just as quickly and for a person like me my lows can be pretty deep.
I haven’t had a deep deep low since I was maybe 18 years old. The deepest low I had also resulted in my lose of virginity on the same day so considering how that turned out I think I am doing pretty well for myself. We all get depressed and while that is a stupid thing to say I have noticed that it almost always comes with the same statement “we all just deal with it differently”.
One of the main reasons I started working out was because of depression. I noticed that when my routine is perfect I almost never feel it at all. However the bad end “as stated before” is that if my routine is poor I feel it a great deal. Of course this also comes with the focuses that are also part of life. Work, relationships, and just daily living of course take a factor to it as well but I believe that with the proper training and motivation anyone can get past it.
Trust I have been down some serious deep ends and for a person who a majority of the time spends the time alone it can be pretty bad. I have hurt myself in the past but again not since I was 18. I have thought of death as an answer but again not since I was 18. I have learned how to break down walls in my mind and even trap off some thoughts by surrounding myself in positive concepts.
What exactly are positive concepts? Well you know that person with all the pictures of his family on the walls? I am sorta that person.. only I use little things like toys and comic books as ways of fighting of the reminders of sadness. Not saying I have any issues with my family just I can’t have pictures on my walls because of past issues with whatever due to this apartment. I should probably have some pictures of my family around here. I just never have had time to print anything… Perhaps that’s a project set for another day?
It’s been about two months since my last post. Several things have stopped me from writing. Family issues, sickness, some social issues and several just more important things have come up. It always seems to happen at once I notice. Sorta like a flood or something similar to that.
It’s never anything I can control. Started out with a cold.. I managed to get over that and shortly after it was my workout routine (which was good), than my brother visited (also good). I got promoted at work and shortly after that we had a horrible snow storm. After that I got sick again only this time it wasn’t so much illness as much as it was an annoying sty which I am currently dealing with.
I haven’t been working out as much as I SHOULD BE.. cause both laziness and lack of focus. I say laziness.. as maybe an excuse..
You ever look at someone and think..wow my life is hard but it isn’t that hard. I deal with that state of mind all the time. While I don’t think I have an ego or anything like that to an extreme. I know I have put myself into a situation that is much better than at least half the people I know.
I focus on what I can do to make myself and the people I interact with feel better. Not happy so much as content with the moment. I never dig into people or ask a million questions. For some reason I have a face that people just tell me all sorts of nonsense.
For example I have been told at random about stories of revenge. How someone wants revenge so badly that it just overwhelms them. It has to be spit out to someone and some of the time it’s me. I hear stories about drug abuse, struggle, and how some time people turn themselves around from being very bad.
Revenge is never a good thing to want but have I ever felt it? Of course I have. It was never an easy to feel and to this day I am a pretty unforgiving guy about how I deal with the people in my life that do wrong by me. I always give people ONE chance and the few times that I have given more it was because of some stupid endless hope I felt towards that person.
90% of the time I am wrong and I learn from it.
This “project” as I like to call it. Was meant to be a place to go to for my night life. It being winter we are in a calm before a storm. It’s cold and silent yet what I am finding is that people are preparing for the great outdoors. What will we do during the summer? What will happen once we can go outside without freezing.
I have a prediction that it’s going to be a violent summer. Lots of conflict is in the air. How would I know that? I don’t watch the news and I hate the media but I work with people. Social interaction is part of my life so why would I read about it?
I see the calm and silence as a sign. You know that look your parent gives you when you surprise them with something bad. I get that look from strangers all the time and most are just buying beer to cheer up. So that is happening and while I have been sick the last week I know that as bad as I felt it’s going to be worse come summer.
Is this without hope? No but I will leave you with that for now.