10

Days are Getting longer which means nights are getting shorter. For someone like me this creates issues. People do stupid shit when it’s hot and rarely dark more often.

Habbits become relaxed and all that resting you did during the winter pays off. You workout harder because the summer is coming and you need to look good for no one. I personally find it funny how we work so hard to destroy ourselves.

For what becomes the question? Work,feed sleep repeat. Sound morbid but it’s not. Truth is it’s simple in format. You don’t have to do anything but the simplest things.

Think of what people do to enjoy themselves to start with. Bars, party, social hour an it’s all constructive to what we call relaxing. I work to enjoy what I can and not just survive.  I could die tomorrow and I would be happy with what I have. How many can say that?

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9

I never really had an idea on what I wanted to do with my life. The thought that I would one day finish High School never really came to me. I think I have always lived day by day as it came along. Some of my friends knew they wanted to go to college. Some knew they wanted to join the military and I think maybe some had ideas on work but I never thought about it.

It’s funny to me now because while in School all the teachers try to prepare you for what is coming but no one ever asks you “What do you want to do?”. I have always been an over thinker and some part of me knew I was good at creating but I never thought it to be a pursued concept.

High School took seven years to finish. I finished almost exactly on the day I turned 21 years old. I was given honor awards and even a gift from the school for being an inspiring person.  My entire life I knew I was a leader and a person that people would listen to because of how I thought about everything. I always would start something and gather others to follow it but quickly leave it once it became bigger than what I wanted it to be.

So about two months after I finished school I started the job I am currently at. It lasted two years before I left it for give or take 2 years. The economy went to crap and I was forced to come back to it. I say forced because I didn’t really want to come back to the job not because it was bad but because I thought I could find something better that I would enjoy.

Enjoying work was something people like me hear all the time. Find something you love and make money off it? I don’t know if that is always the path people should take. I think it should go find work and learn to love it. That seems like more of an adult statement and perhaps it goes without saying that filling in the blanks isn’t easy or even acceptable to some people but that is pretty much what I have done.

Now I am almost 10 years into this work “on and off clearly”. I have learned every bit of every responsibility with the work I do. Hell on days that I have off I see the difference between the work I do and the work I don’t do. Perhaps it’s because I am the second “Not counting my boss” person who has been doing it for long. Experience I guess is everything.

I think over all the main thing that has kept me with it is that I never once have ever said I couldn’t have anything I wanted. It took time to get an apartment, find a girl a I love, and make enough money to pursue whatever. Yet in the end it was always a question of what will make myself happy?

Now don’t read that the wrong way in no manor or form do I have an Ego. Yet I can say that things have always gone the way I wanted them to go. Hell it’s how I sleep so well during the day. If I didn’t get what I wanted it would be a battle to sleep.  Perhaps that is what this is all about. Picking and choosing the battles to win?

8

Depression is a topic that will probably come up often on here. I have been dealing with it for a very long time and mostly I see it as an opposite to anyone’s natural highs. As a person who understands how it works I have learned over the years how to fight against it in natural ways. Of course people have suggested that I see a doctor and get some medication for it but I am also one of the types of people who can’t STAND DRUGS.

I believe I have already said it takes a great deal for me to even consider the idea of taking a god damned Aspirin.  Most of my childhood I was on this or that for breathing problems I was born with. So having to take anything to get High or expand my mind has never been a appealing idea. I know all to well the concept of whatever gets you high also gets you low just as quickly and for a person like me my lows can be pretty deep.

I haven’t had a deep deep low since I was maybe 18 years old. The deepest low I had also resulted in my lose of virginity on the same day so considering how that turned out I think I am doing pretty well for myself. We all get depressed and while that is a stupid thing to say I have noticed that it almost always comes with the same statement “we all just deal with it differently”.

One of the main reasons I started working out was because of depression. I noticed that when my routine is perfect I almost never feel it at all. However the bad end “as stated before” is that if my routine is poor I feel it a great deal. Of course this also comes with the focuses that are also part of life. Work, relationships, and just daily living of course take a factor to it as well but I believe that with the proper training and motivation anyone can get past it.

Trust I have been down some serious deep ends and for a person who a majority of the time spends the time alone it can be pretty bad. I have hurt myself in the past but again not since I was 18. I have thought of death as an answer but again not since  I was 18. I have learned how to break down walls in my mind and even trap off some thoughts by surrounding myself in positive concepts.

What exactly are positive concepts? Well you know that person with all the pictures of his family on the walls? I am sorta that person.. only I use little things like toys and comic books as ways of fighting of the reminders of sadness. Not saying I have any issues with my family just I can’t have pictures on my walls because of past issues with whatever due to this apartment. I should probably have some pictures of my family around here. I just never have had time to print anything… Perhaps that’s a project set for another day?

7

It’s been about two months since my last post. Several things have stopped me from writing. Family issues, sickness, some social issues and several just more important things have come up. It always seems to happen at once I notice. Sorta like a flood or something similar to that.

It’s never anything I can control. Started out with a cold.. I managed to get over that and shortly after it was my workout routine (which was good), than my brother visited (also good). I got promoted at work and shortly after that we had a horrible snow storm.  After that I got sick again only this time it wasn’t so much illness as much as it was an annoying sty which I am currently dealing with.

I haven’t been working out as much as I SHOULD BE.. cause both laziness and lack of focus. I say laziness.. as maybe an excuse..

6

You ever look at someone and think..wow my life is hard but it isn’t that hard.  I deal with that state of mind all the time. While I don’t think I have an ego or anything like that to an extreme. I know I have put myself into a situation that is much better than at least half the people I know.

I focus on what I can do to make myself and the people I interact with feel better. Not happy so much as content with the moment. I never dig into people or ask a million questions. For some reason I have a face that people just tell me all sorts of nonsense.

For example I have been told at random about stories of revenge. How someone wants revenge so badly that it just overwhelms them. It has to be spit out to someone and some of the time it’s me.  I hear stories about drug abuse, struggle, and how some time people turn themselves around from being very bad.

Revenge is never a good thing to want but have I ever felt it? Of course I have. It was never an easy to feel and to this day I am a pretty unforgiving guy about how I deal with the people in my life that do wrong by me. I always give people ONE chance and the few times that I have given more it was because of some stupid endless hope I felt towards that person.

90% of the time I am wrong and I learn from it.

5

This “project” as I like to call it. Was meant to be a place to go to for my night life. It being winter we are in a calm before a storm. It’s cold and silent yet what I am finding is that people are preparing for the great outdoors. What will we do during the summer? What will happen once we can go outside without freezing.

I have a prediction that it’s going to be a violent summer. Lots of conflict is in the air. How would I know that? I don’t watch the news and  I hate the media but I work with people. Social interaction is part of my life so why would I read about it?

I see the calm and silence as a sign. You know that look your parent gives you when you surprise them with something bad. I get that look from strangers all the time and most are just buying beer to cheer up. So that is happening and while I have been sick the last week I know that as bad as I felt it’s going to be worse come summer.

Is this without hope? No but I will leave you with that for now.

4

On any given week I have two days off. Normally it happens in a row and it never lands on a weekend. Management has always been in control over this happening. If I wanted a weekend off I would have to request it and 9 times out of 10 it was required that I use a vacation day or something of that sort be sorted to make it happen.  Now this sounds like a trivial thing but if you work at night and on a weekend this isn’t a Trivial thing to think about.

I am also under the mindset that management is in control over pretty much whatever goes on at work. If I am doing a good job management should make that clear. If something isn’t being done.. again management should make that clear. Thus far it has worked that way and communication has never been an issue. I bring up problems and I leave it to management to settle that.

Now what does any of this have to do with my life o Nocturnal?  In the time that I have settled my life this way work has been the core. If my job requested me to work during the day I would probably go back to being a day time person. It’s my own habits and my own ruling that make it all work. Foundation is what is happening here and that is what we are talking about this time.

Now last month my management changed for reasons untold to me. So for the past month “Almost exactly today”. I have been dealing with new management and all that has gone into what my job is. In truth I didn’t expect it to change much because my job is very very routine. I can pretty much make a step by step plan for how the 8 hour shifts will go. What the store requires to happen for it to run correctly. Trut with time I refine and even improve some of my methods but that comes with experience I BELIEVE.

So far it’s work for my benefit and I have thus witnessed massive improvements in the work I do. Organization I have always felt is key to make things work and so far I feel it’s working. How it’s effected me in regards to this I will now have more time for myself to work on weekends. Visit family and friends.. Make things work better for myself in that I can interact with family now that I will have some weekend time to do so!

Is it going to change the Nocturnal Life of me? No.. because this is the life I have and regardless that experience is going to translate into this. We will see what happens from here on out. This being post 4 I think it’s going in a positive direction.

 

3

Dreams are funny to me because for someone who doesn’t sleep much I do dream a lot. More often than I want to admit the dreams are as I like to call them visions. Not direct by any means but underlined in truth.

Today I had a dream about my possible future. The underline was telling me that I needed to step away from things to get better. This has been a recurring message give to me not only by people but by visions like this one.

What sort of things need to change?  Using need also is in itself excessive because going back to the things we need this isn’t a true statement. I don’t need to change anything but I probably should. Yet still that raises the question…why?

If any person advances to the point that the feeling of discomfort follows that is a sign of wanted/”needed” change should happen. Like for example people will come to me with relationship issues. It always comes down to what one person is comfortable with and the other is not. I think the real definition for a relationship should be based on the basic statement of it. RELATION….SHIP.. You should relate to the person by chose not because you feel obligated to do it. SHIP..meaning to ship together..wanting to be together for a common emotional benefit.

If you are unhappy or uncomfortable you shouldn’t be with that person OR at the very best you should be capable of resolve with that person. Isn’t that why you are with them to begin with? I mean yes it could purely be a physical thing but regardless that point should be taken as is defined BEFORE you mix up emotions. Unless you are a prick or a bitch in which case you get what you get.  Yet change is still required to continue the COMFORTABLE life we all chase after.

AGAIN .. what sort of things need to change? Nothing as dramatic as a relationship but more so the motivation I am feeling. Something is telling me I should feel more comfortable with the place I am at. I should be and can be in a better situation for that yes? What factors into any of this anyway?

Emotion, Currency, state of mind, physical being, and these are all just basic topics. I work at night 40 hours a week. Currency isn’t currently an issue and in reality IT’S ABOUT TO GET A TON BETTER. I have been facing the dreads of debt the last 7 years because of past mistakes I have made and this year it will finally be OVER. So that’s a positive feeling to be ruled out. Emotionally I feel I am in a good place. Often a bit dark yes but it has always been dark since I was 15 years old. It never stays light and I think that is just a part of my being an adult. True I am not as dramatic as showing it as I once was..but blah to that to begin with. What about my state of mind?

State of mind is a bit more complicated and again if I really think about it I am sure I can come up with some longer answers for all of these topics. However with state of mind I come to find that changes day by day. Physical being I am working on and can honestly say that this is the healthiest I have ever been my entire life. Is it ideal for myself? No but what truely is.. I set a goal.. I come close to it.. and I hope for the best.. that is how I do everything.

2

I don’t sleep much beyond 4 hours at a time. Some people question why this is? Fact is my brain has always been this way. I function better this way so as to get whatever I can done during the day while maintaining enough energy to work at night. The only time this has ever really changed was once when I took a Benadryl and it knocked me out for almost 13 hours straight. I’ll probably never do that again!

I have always felt sleep is a waste of time and if I could find away NATURALLY to do without it I probably would. I have never been one for drugs or any substance to consume to fix this. Hell I barely like taking Aspirin and I rarely ever drink. Many people question why I am like that? Do I have issues with said things?

Drugs have never been a thought in my mind. Growing up with some serious breathing problems caused me to really hate drugs. Call it a prejudice view on the topic but with all the stuff I had to take as a kid that really sucked to help me get past just breathing. I prejudged everything in the category and said.. yea.. I can do without that.

Drinking I will do on rare rare rare occasions. As a teenager I did drink a big amount and only found it made me more depressed and less creative. I think everyone can relate to having a heart broken and trying to drink that away. Personally I did it far to much before the age of 21 that once I turned 21 it just lost all it’s appeal. Now here is a funny topic..

Weed and yes I am one of those people that include Weed in the topic of drugs. I know plenty of people that love the stuff and I have been offered by pretty much everyone I know who smokes it to do so with them. However again.. It just never appealed to me. I never seen the point and honestly it never turned me on. Which is exactly what I want to get to with this topic today.

Sleeping I do to gain energy to keep my mind going “Which it always is”. I question things to much and do the best I can to logically live my life. Probably the most impulsive stuff I do is along the sexual lines of my life. I have always felt sex should be impulsive because it should always be about having a good time and of course love.  Again.. another time I will get back to later on.

So in my mind humans have 3 things that are a constant to living. You can’t live without these 3 things.. Breathing, Eating, and Sleep. Now this isn’t to say those 3 things are limited to being luxuries also. You have to breath.. How much you breath is A Luxury. The same can be said for eating and sleeping. Me being an American you can imagine I probably am in the good position to do all three very well without ever having to think about it much.

As I said before the topic of sleep is limited to me because that is simply my nature. Having insomnia and now just adapting to living this life really only sees sleep as a waste of time. Eating however I have come to find is more of a scientific thing rather then something I feel I must do. In the past 2 years I will say I have become increasingly aware of my age.

Things that didn’t matter before matter a bit more now. I am thinking this is just how age works. So I have adapted into my life a routine of workout concepts that if I am being honest with myself I don’t do often enough. At best I will work out 5 days a week.. at worst.. 2 days. This concept has actually increased the past 7 or 8 months because I joined a gym.

Consuming Food has become part of that concept and it really does effect the amount of work I am capable of doing during said workouts. I am still trying to balance the diet with the workout and thus far I can say I have seen some good results but do feel more can and WILL BE DONE.

Eating was never about comfort but more about getting my mind to a place I wanted it to be. I don’t get depressed and eat candy. I eat candy because I had been able to do so without it changing anything about my body. In recent years this has changed so I don’t do it NEARLY as much as I once did. Does this change my behavior?

Not really. Sugar while at few and far times can cause a sugar rush it never really was something I CHASED after or felt I needed. It was simply something that was or wasn’t. So in the areas of food and all that I feel I am leveled. As a matter a fact in the areas of all the 3 I feel I am leveled to a point that I am very comfortable with on both a mental and physical state.

It’s not easy living at night because of the lack of sun. THE body requires a amount of sun and without it the mind does go into some pretty dark places. So I have learned that taking the luxury of the sun as it is a face value subject. As I get older I am finding I enjoy it more and more. Hell this might eventually effect my mind to wanting to be out in it more often.. but.. this is also unlikely to happen soon?

1

What’s it like for a person to live life almost entirely at night? I never thought about it much until I started thinking I should write some of this information down. In truth the past 10 years of my life hasn’t been very different from the years before. I think it’s because most of the excitement in my life happened at night. I mean think about what you might do at night?

Most people relax and sleep. Others party, have sex, drink, and more often dwell on random thought. I once read an article that said most of the best art done in history gets done at night and by insomniacs. I can say that I was without a question an Insomniac by definition before I started my job. If I think back to how it started I guess I could blame the computer screen.

I have always been a computer/video game guy. That has always been my most addictive hobby. Staying up late and fiddling with this and that just to learn more about people. Which if I come to think about it was pretty funny cause I hated being around people but loved reading about behavior.  Why would someone do this or that? It was interesting to me.

Yet I think about it all and I think it was the search that made everything that followed happen. I was not only a curious kid but I wanted to know why things turned out. How!? So at what point do I start my story? Well I suppose the first thing to do is to explain that I almost didn’t Finish High School and that I was never in pursuit of anything. Even my interest in Computer Science was limited and I never gave it a second thought to think about what my adult life was going to be like after it was all said and done.  I just wanted to finish School get a job and at some point maybe fall in love.

Romantic? ME!?…Perhaps a little but not the way you are thinking. I just wanted someone who I could complain to who I felt really listened to me. Which later in life I found! but…that was much much later when I knew I was actually looking for that.  GOING OFF PATH… I tend to do that so bare with me here. So I finished High School and in a couple of months after that I got a job. It was a simple job and really it had me interacting with people far more than I ever wanted too. Yet it brought me out of my shell of Isolation and helped me get on my feet for some “ADULT LIVING”.

At some point the Night Shift opened up to me and that is the place I would become most useful to the job. Again I didn’t think it was going to be a long lasting thing I would follow. It simply was a job, I needed the money, and it happened to be at night. I learned quickly I was good at it cause of my Insomnia.  So I just kept with it and didn’t think much about the future. You meet all sorts of people at night that you simply CAN’T meet during the day.

People with depression so high that drinking and drugs are the only answer. People coming home from work who just want to have a couple second before bed whom want to chat. I have heard stories and seen things from people at night that during the day those same people probably don’t even remember talking to me.  To be fair Day me isn’t the same as Night me. During the day I am a bit more dramatic with my fashion but I have always been that way.

As a teenager it was called Gothic. As an Adult I think it’s just a love for the color black. The rest I will leave to you. Why know so much about the physical part..it takes out of the story if I tell you to much. So the night life it was for me..and believe me I tried to avoid it. Even quit my job to go to school about two years after starting the job. Left to live in the city and when that didn’t work I went back to working at another job IN THE CITY.

This was the first mistake…I think.